The Lily of the Net

(Holly Tannen)

When first I cruised the Internet
Some pleasure there to find
A damsel there from AOL
Was pleasing to my mind
Her polished prose, her flashing wit
I never will forget
The name she bore was Flora
The Lily of the Net.

When first I cruised the Internet
'Twas as a kind of joke
I posted to the Ballad List
And to rec.music.folk
The answers she wrote back to me
They do torment me yet
I fell in love with Flora
The Lily of the Net.

So I accessed her Web page
My heart's delight to see
And there I spied a dazzling girl
A-smilin' up at me
Her rosy cheeks, her ruby lips
They sore did me beset
I was bewitched by Flora
The Lily of the Net.

So next I got my courage up
And called her on the phone
She turned the television down
And said she was alone
Her voice was so melodious
I broke out in a sweat
I scarce could speak to Flora
The Lily of the Net.

For nine long months we e-mailed
Till we resolved to meet
In San Francisco in a pub
Way out on Geary Street
I used my frequent flyer miles
And swore I'd ne'er regret
My plans to meet my Flora
The Lily of the Net.

For courting of this fair maid
I greatly did prepare
I bought a suit and got a trim
Of my remaining hair.
My mother oft had told me
What you see is what you get
And what I saw was Flora
The Lily of the Net.

She wore a purple leisure suit
All stained with coffee grounds
Her hair was bleached, her skin was grey
She weighed two hundred pounds
Between her flaccid lips she held
A hand-rolled cigarette
Was this my faithless Flora?
The Lily of the Net.

And when she saw my stricken face
A sigh escaped her breast
She took my trembling hand in hers
And tearfully confessed
The picture was her daughter
A twelve-year old nymphet
I was betrayed by Flora
The Lily of the Net.

Come all you ramblin gamblin men
Who lurk both night and day
Don't trust a gal from AOL
Whatever she may say
I'd rather have my fantasies
I wish I'd never met
That false deluding Flora
The Lily of the Net.